I offer therapy for gay and queer men in Chicago, drawing on 30+ years of experience serving the LGBTQ+ community.
It’s a well-worn cliche that couples often argue about the same things, time and time again. These recurring conflicts, like a script on repeat, resurface across years of marriage and partnership. It is so human to get entangled in the repetition, raising the volume of our complaints, asserting our opinions, and holding tightly to our preferred ways of doing things. Yet beneath the surface of these enduring disputes lies something far richer than mere disagreement.
When I counsel couples, one of my first questions is whether they have a psychodrama — a specific, persistent argument that replays without resolution. Sometimes the psychodrama has been partially resolved or the couple has found a way to go around it or to contain it when it gets activated. The unresolved struggle often functions as both a bond and a barrier. It holds the couple together even as it drives them apart.
A psychodrama never allows for a true win-win resolution. Instead, it is a power struggle, each partner striving for recognition and validation. Yet, what makes it so compelling and enduring is not the surface-level disagreement. Rather, the argument serves as a symbol, a vessel carrying the unmet emotional needs of both partners. The repeated conflict reflects a yearning to feel heard, seen, acknowledged, and valued.
To begin unraveling this pattern, I often ask each partner a simple yet profound question: What would need to happen for this long-lived argument to finally end? The responses are strikingly similar.
“I would need to feel heard.”
“I would need to feel seen.”
“I would need to feel valued.”
These answers point to a fundamental human need for recognition and connection. But just as often, the response is something more pointed and rigid: “The other person would have to agree with me. They would have to validate my reality.”
At this point, I ask a follow-up: What are the chances that this will happen? The answer is typically an honest acknowledgment — “No chance at all.”
If there’s no chance of achieving that desired agreement, why continue? It’s a powerful moment of reflection. The futility of pursuing validation through conflict becomes clear. This realization opens a door for deeper exploration. And sometimes, in that moment of recognition, couples even find humor in it — a shared laugh at the absurdity of expecting the other to fully concede. As a therapist, I encourage this humorous response, recognizing its power to break the tension and foster a sense of shared humanity. Laughter, in these moments, serves as a bridge, softening rigid positions and inviting a new perspective. While I welcome the lightness humor can bring, I also support the couple in moving forward, guiding them toward a deeper understanding of what the repeated conflict truly represents.
For many couples, the psychodrama isn’t about the argument itself, but about what it represents. It might symbolize a longing for respect, a fear of abandonment, a desire for reassurance, or even a need to assert one’s identity within the relationship. The fight, though painful, maintains a form of connection. It says, “I still care enough to fight.” The persistence of the conflict can serve as a testament to the emotional stakes involved.
Once a couple recognizes that their psychodrama will never deliver the validation they crave, they have the opportunity to shift the focus. Instead of demanding agreement, they can explore what it would mean to feel seen and valued without needing their partner’s capitulation. They can examine their underlying fears and desires, stepping out of the well-worn battle lines to truly listen and understand.
From this place of insight, genuine dialogue can emerge. The goal is no longer to win, but to be curious. The couple can begin to see the psychodrama as a mirror reflecting unmet needs, unresolved hurts, and the tender vulnerability beneath their defenses. With this understanding, they can start the work of healing and re-connection.
